Capture the Chu! Ab's Adventure

[AbXtreme]

On there way to Pewter City. Ab and Trapinch Decide to take a Quick Break.

Ab: Ahhhh This Feels good. What do you think Trapinch

Trapinch: TTTTRRRAAAPPP TRAPINCH!!

Ab: HAHAHA Huh??

Walking by Passes Mike His Rival.

Mike: Well Well look who it is. It's My Dumb Witted Rival. How many Pokemon you Caught A.......b

Ab: It's for you to know and me to Find out Mike.

Mike: Letme Guess None HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. I Already got my Perfect Team and you just got a Idiotic Trapinch Muahahaahahahahahaha

Trapinch: TTTTTRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

Mike: Well Catch ya Losers Later

As He sets off to Pewter Ab Waits a Bit. Then he sees some Wobbling from the Bushs

Ab: Huh? Who's That
??: Pika

A Pikachu Appears

Ab: Wow a Pikachu. We gotta Get it Trapinch. Ok Silently Does it.

They Sneak to The Pikachu and then with a Big Roar

Ab: TRAPINCH, ROCK TOMB!

Trapinch Does a Rock Tomb and Blocks Pikachu's Path. Pikachu is Angry and Blasts a Thunderbolt.

Pikachu: PPPIIIKKA PIKA PIKA PIKACHU!

Ab: Your Mine Pikachu. Go Trapinch!
Trapinch: Trap Trap!

Trapinch
..................
Hp: 25/25

Pikachu
................
Hp: 30/30

Ab: Trapinch Tackle

Trapinch goes to Pikachu by Full Speed. He Smashs Pikachu on a Head-on Collison. Pikachu's HP Is Gone by 6.

Trapinch: Trap Trap
Pikachu: PPPIIIKKKAAA CCCCCCCHHHHHUUUUUU

Pikachu Shoots with Thunderbolt and Hit's Trapinch but it has no Effect. Only took 2 Damage.

Ab: Ok Rock Smash Now

Trapinch Summons a Pile of Rocks And Throws them at Pikachu. It Took 23 Damage. Pikachu is Dazed but Uses a Zap Cannon Attack Hitting all the Surrondings.

Ab: Ok Here it Goes Go POKEBALL...................

[Lucky]

Storyline: It wasn't there. You sit down, rivel comes by, and you find a Pokemon. You need to add some sort of plot in there.

2/10

Grammar/Spelling: I saw a couple errors, mainly with commas. Also don't use script format, it dosn't work as well as just using quoations.

4/10

Reality: Pikachu just came out of nowhere? I mean your just sitting there and all of a sudden there is Pikachu. Yea right.

3.5/10

Detail: There was barely any in the story. Work on this area a lot.

2/10

Battle: You don't need to put HP 30/30 or whatever. Just describe the battle more. It was too short, and didn't have even close to enough detail.

1.5/10

Total: 13/50

Outcome: Pikachu not captured!

[Tristan]

Story: 2/10

Ok, the story was walking....sitting....talking....battling...catching. Very, very boring. You need to have at least some sort of plot to it. The story was also insanley short, maybe half a page's worth. Make it a lot longer and give it a storyline...

Grammar: 3/10

Many mistakes in the story, and quite a lot of grammor errors. You need to use commas and periods (or maybe even semi-colons) A LOT more often if you want a good grade.

Detal: 2/10

I found maybe 1 or 2 detailed words in the whole thing. And almost nothing was described. Make it very detailed next time. Like, what's the wheather like? What does Ab look like? What are Ab's feelings or emotions at the time?

Battle: 2/10

There was almost no battle. It was just: Found a Pikachu...rock tomb...thunderbolt...rock throw...zap cannon..end. And there was no description at all in the whole battle. And also, HP is in the gameboy, not in the real pokemon world. I doubt that little bars would appear above their heads and say how much stamina they can take. You need to redo the whole thing, and make it longer.

Total: 9/40

Make it longer, put more detail in, fix your spelling errors and use more commas/periods/semi-colons, and make the battle MUCH longer. Then you could have a pretty good story...

Pikachu ~ Uncaptured

EDIT: woops! looks like Lucky beat me to this one!

[Lucky]

Yea, meh, just keep the grade up. Twice the advice is better.

[AbXtreme]

Where it Left off.

Pokeball Opens. Pikachu comes back out but it's Very Angry.

Ab: Oh God!!!

Suddenly, Pikachu Sents Out Zap Cannon. A Huge Electric Ball Comes Out and Pikachu Charges. Electric Comes out of the Ball. Hitting all the Forest Trees and Ground. A Sudden Earthquake Erupts. Pikachu is Fuming with Rage. After that. Ab Senses Something

Ab: Is that smoke i Smell? AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Trapinch: Trap............inch!

The Forest is On Fire and Ab and Trapinch are Surrounded with Buring Leafs and Wood, Blocking there Path. Pikachu Senses it too but Doesn't Care!!!! The Fire's Getting Worse. Ab and Trapinch are Coughing.

Ab: Pika chu.. stop....now.....
Pikachu: PIKA PIKA PPIIIIII KKKKKKAAAAAA
Ab: If .. you .. do this we would... Would. be Cause inn a Explosion

Pikachu is Starting to Calm but still in Rage

Ab: LISTEN

Pikachu Stops and Comes to Ab.

Ab: Now how are we getting out!

A Sound of Splashs and Water hit the Wood. A Couple of Golducks Shoot Water Gun on the Trees.

: Is Anyone there???

A Girl's Voice is Heard. Ab Knows the Voice

Ab: Officer Jenny Over Here!!!

Officer Jenny Comes to the Battlefield where Pika and Ab Fought. Golduck uses Cross Chop on the Trees to Break them.

Jenny: Are you alright???

Ab: Yeah..huff puff... Yeah... Cough.

Ab Faints.

He Wakes up on the Bed of the Pokemon Center.

Ab: Where are we?? Anyone ? Someone ? Where

?: Don't Worry. Your Safe now.

Nurse Joy's Voice Pop's Open Ab's Ears. He Gets up

Ab: Where's Trapinch

Joy: Don't Worry, he's in Ward 1. Chansey please take him to Trapinch.

Chansey: CHANSEY!

In Ward 1. Ab sees Pikachu and Trapinch.

Trapinch: TRAPINCH!!
Ab: Hi Trapinch
Pika: Pi Pikachu!
Ab: Pikachu? What do you want???

Pikachu is saying to Join his Group.

Andrew Decides..........

[Lucky]

I'm lost. Do you want me to decide if Pikachu joins your group or something?

To capture a Pokemon you need to battle it. 1 attack dosn't cut it.

[AbXtreme]

All Right i'll Try Again

[Lucky]

Not really becuase you already tried to capture him from that battle.

[AbXtreme]

Ab Was Thinking of Keeping it but he Had Other Plans

Ab: I Know. Let's Have a Battle One More Time!

Pikachu Nodded his Head as he was Recovering on the Bed.
Sometime Later. 3 Mysterious People Come Out of Nowhere.

?: TO PROTECT THE WORLD THE....... Ah Nevermind!!
??: We have to do it Jess! If not were Disgracing the Team Rock Brand
: Can ya you 2 Stop Arguing and Start Grabbing That Pikachu
Ab Interupts

Ab: And Who do you think you Are?

Jessie: Were Team Rocket!! Jessie, James and Mewoth!!!
James: And we want that Pikachu Stat!
Mewoth: So Hand it over

Pikachu: PIKA PIKA

Ab: I Know. We'll Have a Match! 1 On 1. Winner Gets Pikachu
Jessie: Agreed
James: Done
Mewoth: Ok!

Outside the Pokemon Center there was a Huge Battle Arena. Pikachu Came Nearer to Ab's Side than to Jessie's. Pikachu Cheers Ab On

Jessie: OK! Let's Do this! Pikachu Your Mine
Pika: PIKA PIKACHU!
Jessie: Hump. GO SEVIPER!

A Huge Viper Comes Out with a Tail as a Blade. It's Seviper

Ab: Ok GO TRAPINCH
Trapinch: TRAPINCH!!!

The Battle Starts

Jessie: Seviper LEER!

Seviper Goes Up to Trapinch And Stands up on the Tip of it's Tail. He Slithers at Trapinch. Trapinch is Scared.

Ab: Don't Worry Trapinch we got this Covered. Use Errrr... Errr.... Tackle

Trapinch Charges at Seviper and Hit's it with it's Head. Problem is it Didn't Take Damage!
Team Rocket Laugh

Jessie: HAHAHAHAHA What a Wimp. Seviper, Poison Blade!

Seviper's Tail Goes Purple and Hits Trapinch with it's Blade. Trapinch isn't Poison Luckily Enough. Seviper Goes to Trapinch To Deliver the Final Blow.

Ab: Errrrr.... Errrrr.... Oh No! Oh No! Oh No! Errr.

Seviper Raises It's Tail and Ab Screams

Ab: HYPER BEAM!!!
Team Rocket: Ahhh!?!?!?!

Trapinch Dodges the Tail in the Final Minute. After Trapinch Opens His Mouth. And A Huge Beam Sends Seviper Flying Then Hitting Team Rocket! Sending Them Flying as well.

Jessie: Isn't it a Shame we always get Beaten by Easy, Underaged Pokemon!
James: Tell me About
Mewoth: Enough Talking There's always one thing we have to say

Rocket: WERE BLASTING OFF AGAIN!!!!!!

Ab: Thank God for that. Now It's Pikachu Now.

Pikachu is Charged up and Ready for Battle. Trapinch is Recovering after The Hyper Beam He's Just Pulled.

Ab: Ok.. Pikachu Let's Go!
Pika: PIKA

In a Flash He Speeds And Hits Trapinch with a Quick Attack. Trapinch is Huffing and Puffing and then Recovered.

Ab: Ok Trapinch. Attack Pattern Alpha Let's Go
Pikachu: Pika??
Trapinch: Trap!

Then After Trapinch Zooms to Pikachu with a Quick Attack Followed by a Double Team. All the Trapinch's Charge At Pikachu using Skull Bash. Pikachu Leaps Up And Blasts a Thunder on the Ground. All the Trapinch's are Shocked and the Real one is there. Then Pikachu Trys a Slam On Trapinch and Then Trap Dodges and Hit's with a Quick Attack. Pikachu Get's Up And They Walk Around Staring At Each Other.

Ab: Trapinch! Attack Pattern XTREME!

Trapinch Does Another Quick Attack Which Sends Pikachu Flying. When He's Coming Down He Shoots A Swift Attack Which Hit's Pikachu Directly. After Trapinch Trys a Slam But Misses. Pikachu Bounces on Trapinch's Shell and Creates a Zap Cannon.

Ab: Trapinch! HYPER BEAM.

They Both Shoot Out. A Big Explosion Creates on the Arena.

Patches Of Smoke Fades on the Arena Floor.
You see Pikachu and Trapinch Both on the Floor.

Ab: GO POKEBALL, I Hope This works

[Lucky]

Grade

Storyline

Meh, its getting better. It wasn't all that much though, and I would like to see more of a plot.

6/10

Grammar/Spelling

I would recomond that you take this into a spell check and then read it over for any mistakes that a computer won't catch.

4/10

Reality

Meh, I can see most of it happening, except that you were so unsure of your batteling with team rocket, but seemed confident in your battles with Pikachu.

6/10

Detail

You need a lot more then what you have. The places that you are lacking the most is where you aren't batteling. That is one of the most important areas becuase they are usually dull without detail.

3/10

Battle

Both of them were way too short. You need to add both more battle, and more detail in your battles.

3/10

Total

22/50

Outcome

Pikachu not captured!

[AbXtreme]

Delete this Thread Please. I'm Gonna Start An Another one Thanks

Ab