|
|
Post by ShinyScyther on Feb 21, 2004 21:33:40 GMT -5
Note, this is just the beta of a story I'm currently working on, so while I appreciate grading, I don't actaully intend to catch anything in this story. (I intend to post the full version when PE2K's new forums are back up {when I get it done, that is  }) Also note, this is version two of the beta. One sunny afternoon, we see a lake, where lots of people are together, all playing with their pokemon, and having a good time. Then, we see Zack Riddle up on a low branch of a tree, in a little forest near the lake, hiding. Hiding because he can’t stand the way he’s a public joke. Several months had passed, and he had not been able to catch a single pokemon, although not for lack of trying, he had fought an onix, a horsea, a golem, and many others. He just couldn’t understand it, he knew his Scyther was strong, but he just couldn’t catch pokemon for some reason. “I don’t get it, it just doesn’t make sense.” He said to himself, and looked back on what had happened so far. Memories, memories were rushing to him, memories of try after try after try, memories of every try being followed by failure, memories of the barely concealed laughter, of how he was always the joke of parties, which he were never invited to anyway. His thoughts were suddenly interrupted as he heard something below him, he looked down to see a pokemon, but he wasn’t sure what it was. He got out his pokedex, aimed the sensor at the pokemon, and pressed the info button. “Zangoose, the Cat Ferret Pokemon” It said in a hollow, mechanical voice. “Memories of battling its arch-rival Seviper are etched into every cell of Zangoose’s body. This pokemon adroitly dodges attacks with incredible agility.”<br> He looked down at the pokemon, and it rested against the trunk of another nearby tree and started to rest. As he looked at it, something inside of him snapped, he didn’t care how many times he tried and failed, sooner or later, he WAS[/i] going to succeed. He jumped down from the tree, and at the sound of his landing, Zangoose suddenly leapt up, ready to defend itself. He threw his only occupied pokeball, and said “Scyther, lets try this again!”<br> Soon to come, my below post edited. |
|
|
|
Post by ShinyScyther on Feb 21, 2004 22:05:14 GMT -5
Part 2: battle scene I
The pokeball burst open, and a blast of light took shape. “Scyther, I don’t care how long it takes, we WILL win, so lets try this again!” He said. “Scyther!” it replied, and waited for my command. I looked at the Zangoose, saw it bearing its own claws, and remembered what my pokedex said about its dodging ability.
“Scyther, it’s good at dodging, so you’ll need to be fast! Quick Attack!” He said. “SCYTHER!” it said, and lunged and swung it’s scythe at Zangoose’s head, only to find Zangoose ducked, and his scythe had gone a few inches into the tree. “Scy?” it managed to say before Zangoose brutally kicked it, knocking it several feet.
He saw this happen, and then had an idea. “Scyther, match it speed for speed, use your agility!” “SCY!” Scythers’ image blurred as it got up again, and charged back at Zangoose, a lot faster. “Okay, use the trick I taught you!” He said, and Scyther lunged, hovering just above the ground, spinning rapidly in what looked like a horizontal dive.
When it reached Zangoose, it was upside down, and slashed at Zangoose, and when it ducked again, he hit it with its wings, and caught Zangoose by surprise, and not only that, but when moving at that speed, it hit Zangoose a lot harder, and he was sent flying straight into a tree with a loud “THWACK”.
“Don’t give it a chance to recover, fury attack!” He said, and Scythers’ form blurred even more, as he struck at Zangoose several times, but unfortunately, it had already recovered, and several loud thunks sounded as Scyther struck parts of the tree while Zangoose was dodging, then it leapt out of the way, and rushed at Scyther, bearing its claws.
“Let’s see how good it is against its own style, use Agility again!” He ordered. As Zangoose was a moment from reaching Scyther, it disappeared. “Zangoose?” it said, looking around puzzled, then, it ducked just in time to avoid the scythe, still Scyther caught a part of its ear. It screamed with rage, and charged at Scyther, who abruptly disappeared again, and so did Zangoose.
He heard a sound, when he looked behind him, he saw that they had appeared again, Scyther blocking Zangoose’s claws, this happened several more times, when finally, rather than in a stalemate, Zangoose had kicked Scyther again, sending it sprawling in the dirt.
He couldn’t give up now, and he wouldn’t give up ever, he looked at his Scyther, then again at Zangoose, then it hit him, he knew how he could win!
The below grade is for my older version, so please, could some grader re grade this after I get my final post of it up?
|
|
|
|
Post by Gilfrit on Feb 21, 2004 22:15:55 GMT -5
Storyline: Pretty good, I see a good plot, but short for a Zangoose 4.9/10 Grammer/Spelling: I couple of typo's, but nothin major. Grammer was good too. 6/10 Reality: Nice, he seemed like my best friend,and me last year. Bonus, you reminded me of the erased 7th grade ;D 7/10 Detail: Good, you could always add more. Details are the fundementals of a story. 4/10 Battle: short, but discriptive. It was sorta uninteresting though. You made it kind of one sided. Zangoose gets 1 lucky wack, and Syther gets all of the rest.  4/10 Outcome: 26.9/50 work on it a little bit more. I am just giving my 2 cents, I'm not a grader test |
|
|
|
Post by ShinyScyther on Feb 21, 2004 22:23:30 GMT -5
Storyline: Pretty good, I see a good plot, but short for a Zangoose 4.9/10 not exactly sure what you mean by "short for a Zangoose"Grammer/Spelling: I couple of typo's, but nothin major. Grammer was good too. 6/10 Reality: Nice, he seemed like my best friend,and me last year. Bonus, you reminded me of the erased 7th grade ;D 7/10 Detail: Good, you could always add more. Details are the fundementals of a story. 4/10 of course, I'll be adding more details, about time of day, what the place was like, things like that, but this is just the beta after all.Battle: short, but discriptive. It was sorta uninteresting though. You made it kind of one sided. Zangoose gets 1 lucky wack, and Syther gets all of the rest. 4/10 I've actaully never had anything to do with a Zangoose before, and I was working on the pokedex entry, with he dodging, but I will try to make it more balanced in the final.Outcome: 26.9/50 work on it a little bit more. I am just giving my 2 cents, I'm not a grader test |
|
|
|
Post by Gilfrit on Feb 21, 2004 23:10:40 GMT -5
what I mean is a decent legth for a Zangoose is probably 3 post. you can make it shorter if you have a ton of detail
|
|
|
|
Post by ShinyScyther on Feb 21, 2004 23:27:46 GMT -5
what I mean is a decent legth for a Zangoose is probably 3 post. you can make it shorter if you have a ton of detail Okay, so a total of three posts battle scene, or three posts total? |
|
|
|
Post by Gilfrit on Feb 22, 2004 21:08:32 GMT -5
Okay, so a total of three posts battle scene, or three posts total? I would say 3 post total |
|
|
|
Post by ShinyScyther on Feb 23, 2004 16:56:34 GMT -5
okay, I'll be working on the story, I hope PE2K comes back up soon
|
|
|
|
Post by ShinyScyther on Feb 23, 2004 18:35:25 GMT -5
Fianle (NOTE this is still beta, but is a more recent version.)
What he saw was that Zangoose was tiring, and he saw that Zangoose and Scyther were evenly matched as far as strength, but Zangoose was starting to slip every now and then out of fatigue. “Scyther!” He said “Use your agility one more time, be as fast as you possibly can!” Scyther was little more than a green blur and Zangoose a red and white blur, he saw sharp movements as each struck at each other at amazing speeds, and Scyther seemed to be winning, and then Zangoose was advancing, and back and forth for some time, until Zangoose tripped and fell, panting.
Zack saw this and said “He’s getting tired Scyther, we’re almost there! Let’s see how many of you he can fight at once, Double Team!” Then three Scythers surrounded him, followed by three more, and then another three, now it was nine versus one. They all charged at once, and Zangoose did its best to dodge, and was doing so with perfect agility. But when struck at one of the Scythers, its claws went through the Scyther it was attacking. And every time he slowed his dodging enough to attack, he was struck by the real Scyther. Eventually, it screamed, and leapt aside, and all the copies vanished, Zangoose looked to both sides for Scyther, but didn’t see it, until it appeared right beside Zangoose, and before it could dodge, Scyther slashed it across the face, and it fell to its knees, screaming.
“Now, time to try again.” He said, and reached to a spare poke ball on his belt, expanded it to full size, and tossed it at Zangoose.
Fin
Okay, now I think it's ready for re gradin, but please, one last time, I say that this is only the second beta of a story I'm working on, and I'm not trying to catch anything, I'm just trying to work on my story, and see what the graders think of it.
|
|
|
|
Post by lil_leprachaun33 on Mar 4, 2004 14:22:42 GMT -5
it really should be a longer story than that. the problem you have is detail. you state some ideas but never go into them. who are you? where are you? the thing you most need is detail and more story before the battle. the battle itself is ok but a little on the short side.
Outcome- Zangoose Not Captured!
~Jack~
|
|
})
4/10
